Adder: A species of snakes named from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living. Breaking The Seal: Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. Bubble Memory: A derogatory term, usually referring to a person’s intelligence. Budge It: If stuck with your debt, you can’t do this. A bunch of figures that prove you shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place; 2. A method of worrying before you spend, instead of afterward; 4. A plan that tells you what you can afford to spend but doesn’t keep you from spending more; 8. What you can’t do to a woman’s mind once it’s made up; 10. The activity of “debugging,” or removing bugs from a program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. Bull: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter. Carcinoma: A valley in California, notable for its heavy smog. The fellow who has made the last payment on his car. A place where there are too many Democratic congressmen, too many Republican congressmen - and not enough U. That sixth sense that comes to our aid when we are doing wrong and tells us that we are about to get caught; 7. A period during which a girl decides whether or not she can do better; 3. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that’s powered by a running rodent. Crambo: Watching a Stallone movie a dozen times in a week.
Absent: The notation generally following your name in a class record. Absolute Zero: The lowest grade you can get on a test. When boys begin to notice that girls notice boys who notice girls; 10. The age when a girl’s voice changes from no to yes; 12. Advertising Agency: Eighty-five percent confusion and fifteen percent commission. That which the wise don’t need and fools won’t take; 3. A garment with no hooks but plenty of eyes on it; 2. The only place in a government agency where the bureaucrats usually know what they are doing; 3. When a man marries a beautiful girl and a good cook; 6. Bilious: That nauseated feeling you get when you open the mail the first of the month. Billow: What you sleep on when you have a bad cold. Biplane: The advice I got from my mother on purchasing underwear. Bookbag: A large container in which students store candy bars, gum, combs, little slips of paper with phone numbers on them, yo-yos, sunglasses, student IDs, loose change, magazines, and (occasionally) books. Boomeritis: The range of sports-related injuries incurred by baby boomers as they pursue health and physical fitness programs into their old age (such as bursitis, tendonitis, sprains, strains & stress fractures). Border Crossers: Multi-skilled employees who feel comfortable jumping from job to job inside a firm. A man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company; 7. One who is interesting to a point - the point of departure; 11. The kind of man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you; 13. Boss Of The Family: Whoever can spend fifty dollars without thinking it necessary to say anything about it. Botany: The art of insulting flowers in Greek and Latin. Boundary: In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other. Any ordinary guy more that 50 miles from home or office. Contract: An agreement to do something if nothing happens to prevent it. Convent: A place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the vice of idleness. Corral Enterprises: A company with a lot of stockholders. An arsenal of facial enhancements commonly applied in excess by women and male celebrities who feel the need to look embalmed; 3. Cost Of Living: The difference between your net income and your gross habits. A guy who gets into trouble by following a good example; 2. Absent-Mindedness: Searching for the horse you are riding. Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. The proof that things are not as bad as they are painted to be; 2. The awkward age when a child is too old to say something cute and too young to say something sensible; 13. The one thing which it is “more blessed to give than receive;” 4. You never know whether it’s good or not until you no longer need it; 6. Two or more pieces of contrary angling information contained in a single phrase or sentence; 8. Awkward Age: When girls are too old to count on their fingers and too young to count on their legs. Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when; 2. Bathel: To pretend to have read the book under discussion when in fact you’ve only seen the TV series. A girl who has a lovely profile all the way down; 2. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom. Having one husband too many and monogamy is frequently the same thing; 3. When a man marries a beautiful girl and a good housewife; 7. Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain. Bimbo: Any woman to whom you pay a compliment, while in the company of your wife. Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from potentially serious injury during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers, eventually causing the entire slope to be protected from serious injury. Bookcase: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles. Borderline Obese: Won’t fit through the turnstile at the immigration booth. A fellow who can change the subject to his topic of conversation faster than you can change it back to yours; 2. The one on your invitation list who never has a previous engagement; 14. Botcherby: The principle by which British roads are signposted. Bountiful: What Captain Bligh declared after learning that one more breadfruit tree would sink his ship. Consumer: One who delights advertisers by acquiring unnecessary products in accordance with the motto, “I spend, therefore I am.” Contempt: The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed. Contractor: A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal. If everything is under control, you’re moving too slowly. Convention: An excuse for doing the unconventional. A fair to the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbour; 2. Correctional Facility: Rent-free public housing for thieves, rapists, muggers, murderers, deadbeats, extortionists, drug fiends and other assorted malcontents who are thought to benefit form confinement in each other’s company. Corrosion Resistant: Term found on articles of fishing equipment indicating that they are capable of withstanding the harmful effects of salt-water exposure for 91, 181, or 366 days, depending on the nature of the guarantee. Cotton: Material from which a married woman’s underwear is made. Abatis: Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside from molesting the rubbish inside. What you have to get by on if you don’t kiss-up to the boss; 4. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous; 2. That period when children feel their parents should be told the facts of life; 6. Bison: What you say when your child leaves for school Bison Slider: What you might have to eat if Mc Donald’s finds out you’re copying its burger. A wager as in, “I bit you can’t spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways”; 2. Bladder: The human apparatus that pays the tax on beer. Blameless: A person who has obviously never been married. Usage: “Ah bleeve we ought to go to church this Sunday.” Blew: Colour of the wind. Bloatware: Computer software that takes up a large amount of memory but has, in proportion to the space it takes up, minimal functionality. No point in washing it - just blow it off and put it back in the silverware drawer. Blurricane: A natural disaster that moves too fast to be seen clearly. An old computer so useless that it needs to go to sea. Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.” Bobbleheading: The mass nod of agreement by participants in a meeting to comments made by the boss even though most have no idea what he/she just said. Bogey: The number of strokes needed to finish a hole by a golfer of average skill and above-average honesty. Boinka: The noise through the wall which tells you that the people next door enjoy a better sex life than you do. Bon Vivant: A man who would rather be a good liver than have one. No need for dismay, however: two bones of the middle ear have never been broken in a skiing accident. Boob’s Law: You always find something in the last place you look. Book: A depository of knowledge which a student will try to stay awake long enough to read the night before finals. The man who is early when you are late, and late when you are early; 2. Brane: A multidimensional object with dimensions ranging from zero to nine. A man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run; 3. A politician who is enamoured of existing evils, as distinguished from the liberal, who wants to replace them with others; 5. Consultation: A medical term meaning “share the wealth.” Consultant: 1. Abalemma: The agonizing situation in which there is only one possible decision but you still can’t take it. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when addressing an employer. What will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter; 3. Actress: A person who works hard at not being herself. That period when a boy refuses to believe that someday he’ll be as dubm as his father; 5. Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men. Birthday: Anniversary of one’s birth, observed only by men and children. as practiced by socially correct women who have attended classes on the subject in tandem with their sensitive mates. Bishop’s Caundle: An opening gambit before a game of chess whereby the missing pieces are replaced by small ornaments from the mantelpiece. Blowtensil: A utensil, such as a spoon or knife, set at the table but not used during the meal. Blues Singer: Someone who makes every day sound like Yom Kippur. Blunt Person: One who says what he thinks without thinking. Boat: A hole in the water surrounded by wood into which one pours money. Thrown out when you need it, and taken in when you don’t; 2. Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively. One who supplies the young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied the undertaker. A person who opens his mouth and puts his foot in it. Braille-iant: Of or pertaining to the Joe-kster’s work to help out Blind people (i.e. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think. Brandy: A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-destruction and four parts clarified Satan. The drink of heroes - only a hero will venture to drink it. Brisbane: A perfectly reasonable explanation (such as one offered by a person with a gurgling cough which has nothing to do with the fact that they smoke 50 cigarettes a day). British Museum: The most magnificent collection of stolen antiquities in the world. High-mindedness which has been flattened by experience; 3. Conservation: A state of harmony between men and land. A man who acts impulsively after thinking for a long time; 2. Consult: To seek another’s approval of a course already decided upon. Emergency teeth to temporarily replace those knocked out by mistake. An instrument invented by the man who couldn’t decide how big the one was that got away; 2. Accordion Music: Noise that comes from playing both ends against the middle. One who is well informed about anything he doesn’t have to study. Advergaming: Marketing strategy of using video games in which products, brands & logos are placed in the game context to build familiarity. Said to improve cardiopulmonary fitness of those who survive. Affianced: Fitted with an ankle ring for ball-and-chain. A fellow who rises to the occasion - and then stands too long; 2. Usage: “Pass me attair gravy, please.” Attentional Blink: A brief period of inattention following the locating of a target item in a stream of visual stimuli. Auction: A place where, if you aren’t careful, you’ll get something for nodding. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue; 2. A vehicle which is rapidly dividing mankind into two classes: the quick and the dead; 4. Autonomy: What there will be if I gain another 1,800 pounds. Blizzard, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse). Avenge Yourself: Live long enough to be a problem to your children. Something that gets you down in the daytime and up at night; 9. Bacchus: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk. A chap who believes it’s much better to have loved and lost than to have to get up for the 2 A. A guy with just a single thought: staying that way; 7. A man who can pull on his socks from either end; 13. A place that will lend you money if you can prove you don’t need it. Banquette: The correct rules and behaviour to be followed when you meet your money lender. Barefoot Luxury: A high standard of service in a relaxed and casual setting as at a beachfront hotel. A disease common to women, caught in the Sunday papers and developed in department stores on Mondays; 2. A game in which you young man who bravely strikes out for himself receives no praise for it; 2. Bawl: (Southern) What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit. Betamaxed: When a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition, as in “Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market.” Betrayed: Ready to go through the cafeteria line. Bewilder: An insect who forgot to take his Ritalin. Bibliomania & Bibliolatry: Symptoms related to “Overdue Excuses Awards for Library Books” Bid: A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.
Accomplice: One who lacks brains as well as honesty. Accordionated: Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time. Adoption: Growing in Mommy’s heart, not in her tummy. Affluenza: The epidemic of shopping, overwork, stress and debt infecting America. A-Flat Minor: The result of a piano falling down a mine shaft. A man who knows exactly what not to say, but not when to quit saying it; 3. Though boring, gives us the low-down on a lot of people we used to consider bright; 2. The horrible headache you have when you’ve finished the algebra test. Assembly Language: Put tab A into slot B, then put tab C into... Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. A man who looks through a telescope and tries to explain all that he can’t see; 4. One who prays when he can think of no other way out of his trouble. Attraction: The act of associating horniness with a particular person. One who can equally and impartially admire all schools of Art; 3. The science of doing it with machines at the plant so that men can have more time to do it themselves at home; 2. Autumn: A second spring when every leaf is a flower. Piece of cloth that stops woman from looking so ugly; 2. Average: The poorest of the good and the best of the bad. Bach Chorale: The place behind the barn where you keep the horses. A man who can take a nap on top of the bedspread; 14. Bamboo: Eye-pleasing, but extremely expensive and difficult-to-maintain type of rod, used primarily by anglers who fish for compliments. Baptism: A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. A test to determine just how old you really are; 2. A transaction in which each party thinks he has cheated the other; 3. A game which consists of tapping a ball with a piece of wood; 3. Usage: “That gal cain’t even bawl water without burnin’ it.” Bay: A body of water surrounded by restaurants. Beach: A place where people lie upon the sand about how rich they are in town. What an eight-year-old will be on next birthday; 2. Bent: The species of grass most often found on greens. Bid Opening: Apoker game in which the losing hand wins. Big Band: When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players. Rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file; 3. Bozone Layer: The substance surrounding stupid people, that stops bright ideas from penetrating. A game in which a wife is always eager to do her husband’s bidding. Bronchitis: Fear of the Broncos winning the Super Bowl again. Something that makes you tell your mother before your sister does; 15. Cousin: The relative most likely to be responsible for your trouble. Adminispam: Useless e-mail sent from upper echelon bureaucrats that’s not applicable to your area, about people you’ll never work with or issues you’ll never face. The upper levels of management where big, impractical and counter-productive decisions are made; 2. Brevity: Words that cover more ground than they occupy. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. A game which gives women something to try to think about while they are talking; 3. What makes you tell your wife before someone else does; 10. That part of the psyche that dissolves in alcohol; 12. A still, small voice that tells you when you are about to get caught; 14. When a fellow gets so wrapped up in a girl that it’s easy to tie the knot. Absurdity: A statement of belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. Access Time: Usually large in computer sense, small or negative in defined sense. A condition of affairs in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better; 2. A dutiful book balancer whose role within a corporation is to protect it from creative ideas. Accumulator: The part of a computer that compiles or accumulates numbers for use by the computer (i.e. A youngster who is old enough to dress himself if he could just remember where he dropped his clothes; 20. Adult Education: A strenuous effort to learn about things that bored you when you were still young enough to profit from them. Adult: One who has stopped growing on the top and bottom but not in the middle. Advice is like castor oil - easy to give, but dreadful to take. Atrophy: An award given to those who do not exercise. A thing that is so visible that it is not necessary to see it; 2. An angel whose wings grow shorter as his legs grow longer; 3. A nocturnal animal to which everyone in a sleeping moment is eager to give a wide berth; 5. A tiny feather from the wing of love dropped into the sacred lap of motherhood; 7. A small child who has not yet learned how to walk or crawl. A man who can have a girl on his knees without having her on his hands; 11. A man who offers you an umbrella when the sun is shining, then wants it back when it starts to rain; 3. A plate of cold chicken and anaemic green peas completely surrounded by dreary speakers and appeals for donations; 4. A brilliant conversationalist, who occasionally shaves and cuts hair; 2. Barbershop: A clip joint where you get trimmed by experts. Baseball Fan: A spectator sitting 500 feet from the plate who can see better than an umpire standing five feet away. Battery Electrolyte Tester: A tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail. In ancient Greek, Beta was used to refer to things that didn’t meet specifications originally, and still don’t now after a lot more work has been invested; 2. Convict: The only person who likes to be stopped in the middle of a sentence. A head-on collision between two stationary cars parked on their own sides of the road. An ironically twisted word: while people cause most accidents, accidents also cause most people; 2. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin. The age when children try to bring up their parents. A teenager who acts like a baby when you don’t treat him like an adult; 2. Adult Film: A film viewed by people over 30 with a cast of 25-year-olds doing what 18-year-olds do, with a plot for a 6-year-old. Cheating on your wife with a much younger woman who holds you in awe; 2. Adult Education: What goes on in a household containing teenage children. Aerobics; A bouncy form of music-induced exercise, often led on video by sinewy women with stalled movie careers. Attair: (Southern) Contraction used to indicate the specific item desire. One of the perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport (i.e. : A shout to alert people ahead that a hill is coming down the hill. A statement that noone but George Bernard Shaw can contradict. Morning caller, noonday crawler, midnight bawler; 8. Babysitters: Girls you hire to watch your television sets. A fellow who hasn’t anyone to share the troubles he doesn’t have; 4. A fellow who usually wants one single thing in life - himself; 6. A man who can keep both a chequing account and a savings account; 12. An institution that will gladly lend you money provided you can prove you are already so well off that you really don’t need it; 2. An affair at which a man may insist that he isn’t much of a speaker, then gets up and spends two hours trying to prove it. A brilliant conversationalist who cuts hair for a sideline; 3. Bard: (Southern) Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.” Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.” Bare: (Southern) An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Battle: A method of untying with the teeth of a political knot that would not yield to the tongue. Baughurst: A kind of large, fierce, ugly woman who owns a small fierce, ugly dog. Best People: The ones your wife knew before she married you. “Broken, but let’s hand it out to customers anyway.” The first “test” version of a piece of computer software that is released to customers is referred to as a Beta release. Convictions: What an employee has after he knows what the boss thinks. Air Conditioning: An invention for sucking the warmth out of the sensuous summer air, so that we might shiver in July and work through the season without dreaming of hammocks or lemonade. Algebra: Undergarment worn by female math teachers. Something which enables a woman to profit by her mistakes; 19. American Idealism: Being willing to make any sacrifice that won’t hurt business. Anoint: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery. Something too old to be anything but too expensive. ) Usage: See “Rats” Arguing With A Woman: There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Something that gets better when you don’t have facts; 3. Arrow Margin: Milestone for an Archery contest winner. Arsonist: A person who sets the world on fire, at least in a small way. A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable; 42. A man who can take women or leave them, and prefers to do both; 44. Bachelors: Married men may have better halves, but bachelors have better quarters. Backward Nation: One that hasn’t tried to borrow money from the U.