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It is you, though, who will be responsible for bringing back those lost tastes, smells, tears, pangs, forgotten years and missed chances. People equate a Number One with fame, endless wealth and easy sex – a myth that they want to believe and one that the popular press want to see continued.

Spend the remainder of the morning amassing the rest of the tools you will need for the job in hand. A record player (the crappier the better as long as it actually works). A hard back note book and a fine point, black ball Pentel.Mass appeal records can always transcend any apparatus they are played on; the exp ensive set up is only for judging coffee table records. Copies of the latest in the series of “Now That’s What I Call Music” and “Hits” LPs. A couple of the most recent dance compilation LPs (“The Techno Sounds of Dagenham Volume Vl”, etc.). All the 7″ singles in your house that ever made the Top 5. Address your envelope to: Sylvia Calver, Morgan Grampian Plc, Royal Sovereign House, 40 Beresford Street, London SE18 6BQ (telephone 01-854-2200) with a cheque or postal order for £15.00. If you do not already have any of the above, or are unable to borrow them, then we are afraid you are going to have to spend some real cash.After that do whatever you do on a Sunday evening but before you go to sleep that night you are going to have to come up with a name for your record company. From now on every time you telephone someone on business remember to give them your name and the company you are from (even though it’s only you). People waste a lot of time, effort and money having stationery produced when getting a new business off the ground.People in the late eighties can see through the smart graphics.Real bands never get to Number One – unless they are puppets.

If you are in a band you will undoubtedly be aware of the petty squabbles and bitching that develops within them. THIS BOOK IS SOLD SUBJECT TO THE CONDITION THAT IT SHALL NOT BY WAY OF TRADE OR OTHERWISE BE LENT, RESOLD, HIRED OUT OR OTHERWISE CIRCULATED WITHOUT THE PUBLISHER’S PRIOR CONSENT IN ANY FORM OF BINDING OR COVER OTHER THAN THAT IN WHICH IT l S PUBLISHED AND WITHOUT A SIMILAR CONDITION INCLUDING THIS CONDITION BEING IMPOSED IN THE SUBSEOUENT PUBLISHER. THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED TO THE MEMORY OF DON LUCKNOW. NO PART OF THIS PUBLICATION MAY BE REPRODUCED, STORED IN A RETRIEVAL SYSTEM OR TRANSMITTED IN ANY FORM OR BY ANY MEANS ELECTRONIC, MECHANICAL, PHOTOCOPYING, RECORDING OR OTHERWISE WITHOUT THE PRIOR CONSENT OF KLF PUBLICATIONS. The celebrated, of course, are apt to fall into a world of drugs, drink, broken marriages and bankruptcy but even this is given the glamour treatment instead of the squalid misery that it is in reality. The majority of Number One’s are achieved early on in the artist’s public career and before they have been able to establish reputations and build a solid fan base. Along with the soap stars, sporting heroes and selected (however distant) members of the Royal Family, pop stars belong to a glittering world of showbiz parties, at one end of the scale, to illicit liaisons, at the other, where their lives are dragged up, dressed up, made up and ultimately destroyed.Watch Top of the Pops religiously every week and learn from it. YOU CAN BEGIN ANY SUNDAY EVENING You can begin any Sunday evening by listening to Bruno Brookes introducing the Top 40 Show between 4pm and 7pm.